When I look up to the sky
I don’t see fairytales
Or unicorns in the clouds
The veil of superstition
Has been parted and I see the truth
The vastness of the universe
And I am just a small speck
And a doodle of how I’m feeling after the election from my nightmares…
Last night was the first night in many, many months that I was able to sleep with my window open. It felt so good to feel the cool night breeze as I drifted off to sleep, and I slept better than I have in months. It was so nice to wake up to the sound of birds singing and to smell the fresh air, and especially to not hear the hum of the heater for a change.
The day was beautiful, so at lunch I decided to head out for a walk. I’m lucky that my place of work is right next to a lake, which isn’t all that uncommon here in Minnesota. I headed out feeling a bit stressed and overwhelmed by some things I’m dealing with in my life right now, but found that the longer I walked, the more those things that were bothering me just fell away. All that mattered was the feeling of the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair and the sounds of nature around me. Although the trees are just beginning to bud and the grass is only starting to reveal itself, I could feel spring in every step and every breath I took. It was wonderful. When I went back in to work, I felt refreshed, relaxed and ready to get back to the business at hand, and although the issues that cause me to feel overwhelmed still exist, I don’t feel as stressed.
It’s amazing how just a bit of nature and fresh air can make you feel alive again. Tomorrow a thunder storm is predicted…I love the spring…
Note: Picture above was taken today with my phone. I just liked the sunlight through the branches.
According to religious people, I’m “lost” and on the highway to hell….
“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing of live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.” quote by Neil Gaiman
The above quote was shared with me on New Year’s Eve, and I thought it encapsulated all that I hope for people in the coming year, so I decided to share it as well. Wishing everyone a year filled with all the above, and then some.
I’m not good at keeping an online journal. I’m sure that goes without saying to anyone who subscribes to me. Most of my deep, personal thoughts I keep in a spiral bound notebook next to my bed, where only my eyes will see the words written. There are just some thoughts and emotions that are too personal to be shared online, some issues that can only be resolved by writing them out for only my own eyes to see, without the worry of whether my grammar is correct or that someone will preach or lecture me about what I should do or how I should feel. I learned my lesson long ago that it is counter productive to share anything deeply personal online as it only seems to create more problems than solutions, and to be quite honest, most people don’t care about my problems since they have enough problems of their own.
With that being said, there is one thing that truly bugs me: People who claim to be friends and who keep asking how I’m doing and when I actually respond to them with an honest answer, whether it’s good or bad, they ignore me completely. What is that? If you don’t care about the answer, then don’t ask in the first place, especially multiple times. Some people seem to only want to know how I’m doing when they think they can preach at me, or “save” me (nothing annoys me more), and when I let them know that despite the turbulent year I’ve had I am doing well, they completely ignore me. It’s irritating to say the least, and when I have trust issues already with that person, it just makes me want to shut off from them completely.
It is clear to me now that one of my friendships is based entirely on the misconception that I am a weak woman in need of someone to “show her the way”. This misconception is based on the fact that I trusted this person with some pretty awful information about things that happened to me as a child. I thought maybe it could help get rid of some of the nightmares I’ve had if I talked to someone impartial about what happened to me. Unfortunately, it seems like there are some people who get off on the whole damsel in distress thing. They like it when a woman is weak and “needs to be saved”, whether from herself or from a situation. I’ve learned that there is no “saving” me from those memories, and all the preaching in the world won’t make them go away. I have learned how to live with those memories in my own way; through my humor, illustrations and writing. In other words, I learned how to face down my past in my own way, not run and hide from it.
So, take my advice. Think before you ask a friend how they are doing and make sure you really want to know the answer. If you decide to proceed, be ready…If they’ve had a good day, let them know how happy you are for them that things are going well! If a bad day, listen to them, don’t preach at them, don’t try to save them or “fix” them, don’t ignore them, just listen…And DO NOT judge or talk about that person’s issues behind their back. Nothing sucks more than finding out you are the butt of someone’s jokes.
Thanks for reading my rant. It feels good to get that out of my system.
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